Cart 0
Are You Stuck in the Victim Loop?
Seeing yourself as the victim feels natural if your Ex cheated, lied, was a card-carrying narcissist, or an insufferable a-hole (or all of the above). But, sadly, labeling yourself a victim strips you of your power and piles pain on pain.
Your Ex may have done terrible things and hurt you. Maybe, they’re still doing them. But, stay with me here; seeing yourself as a victim of your divorce keeps you passive, stuck, and as helpless as a turtle on its back. You may have landed here, but you don’t have to stay here.
It’s much more empowering to see yourself as a purposeful person who, although you’ve experienced someone else’s worst, is stepping up to make powerful choices on your own behalf. As in, you made (or are making) the choice to let go of your Ex because they’re not good for you, and you deserve better.
Don’t get me wrong. This is in no way negates the pain, sadness and anger that come with divorce, which you need to acknowledge and give yourself time to process. It’s simply deciding not to cast yourself as a powerless victim because although you may not like or immediately accept the choices in front of you, you do have choices.
Victims Stay Stuck, Purposeful People Heal
Playing the victim focuses your energy on the other person and not on truly recovering and healing—this is where many people get stuck. I had an acquaintance whose Ex left her to marry the woman with whom he’d been cheating.
Seven years post-divorce, she’s still very bitter. She hasn’t moved on emotionally because she sees releasing her anger as condoning his choices. She doesn’t think she should have to because she doesn’t think he should have left. True or not, by holding on to her victim status, she’s holding her own life hostage.
Staying stuck in the victim role is a way to avoid fully facing and processing your anger and grief. Keeping the focus on your Ex and what they did or didn’t do is a way to keep pain at a manageable constant, sometimes for years or even a lifetime if you’re not careful.
Putting your attention on moving through your pain and healing yourself is a power move that takes grit. Recovering and going on to build your wonderful new life is better than the best revenge.
Victims Blame, Purposeful People Own
There’s another danger in playing the victim—neglecting to look at your role in your relationship. Maybe it’s not something you did, but something you allowed.
One of my clients shared example after example of how her Ex would agree to spend within their means only to continue buying pricey items. He would promise it was the last time and she would let it go. What she didn’t know until they applied for a mortgage loan was that he’d run up $75,000 in credit card debt.
When the marriage tanked, she was stuck on the question, “Why did he do this to me?” The better and more powerful question is, why did she allow it? He couldn’t have kept it up without her pattern of silently stewing while putting up with things that weren’t OK with her. Unless and until she recognizes this about herself, she is likely to go on to be someone else’s “victim.”
It’s worth reviewing to see if you put up with things or ignored things—not to blame or judge yourself, but to learn from your hard-won wisdom and experience.
How to Know if You’re Trapped in the Victim Loop
I call it the victim loop because, like a hamster wheel, it goes around and around and never moves you forward. How do you know if you’re circling? You may be in this trap if:
Your Ex may have done terrible things and hurt you. Maybe, they’re still doing them. But, stay with me here; seeing yourself as a victim of your divorce keeps you passive, stuck, and as helpless as a turtle on its back. You may have landed here, but you don’t have to stay here.
It’s much more empowering to see yourself as a purposeful person who, although you’ve experienced someone else’s worst, is stepping up to make powerful choices on your own behalf. As in, you made (or are making) the choice to let go of your Ex because they’re not good for you, and you deserve better.
Don’t get me wrong. This is in no way negates the pain, sadness and anger that come with divorce, which you need to acknowledge and give yourself time to process. It’s simply deciding not to cast yourself as a powerless victim because although you may not like or immediately accept the choices in front of you, you do have choices.
Victims Stay Stuck, Purposeful People Heal
Playing the victim focuses your energy on the other person and not on truly recovering and healing—this is where many people get stuck. I had an acquaintance whose Ex left her to marry the woman with whom he’d been cheating.
Seven years post-divorce, she’s still very bitter. She hasn’t moved on emotionally because she sees releasing her anger as condoning his choices. She doesn’t think she should have to because she doesn’t think he should have left. True or not, by holding on to her victim status, she’s holding her own life hostage.
Staying stuck in the victim role is a way to avoid fully facing and processing your anger and grief. Keeping the focus on your Ex and what they did or didn’t do is a way to keep pain at a manageable constant, sometimes for years or even a lifetime if you’re not careful.
Putting your attention on moving through your pain and healing yourself is a power move that takes grit. Recovering and going on to build your wonderful new life is better than the best revenge.
Victims Blame, Purposeful People Own
There’s another danger in playing the victim—neglecting to look at your role in your relationship. Maybe it’s not something you did, but something you allowed.
One of my clients shared example after example of how her Ex would agree to spend within their means only to continue buying pricey items. He would promise it was the last time and she would let it go. What she didn’t know until they applied for a mortgage loan was that he’d run up $75,000 in credit card debt.
When the marriage tanked, she was stuck on the question, “Why did he do this to me?” The better and more powerful question is, why did she allow it? He couldn’t have kept it up without her pattern of silently stewing while putting up with things that weren’t OK with her. Unless and until she recognizes this about herself, she is likely to go on to be someone else’s “victim.”
It’s worth reviewing to see if you put up with things or ignored things—not to blame or judge yourself, but to learn from your hard-won wisdom and experience.
How to Know if You’re Trapped in the Victim Loop
I call it the victim loop because, like a hamster wheel, it goes around and around and never moves you forward. How do you know if you’re circling? You may be in this trap if:
- You completely blame your Ex for your past or current circumstances.
- You can’t identify any ways that you may have contributed to or participated in the unwanted results.
- You believe everything wrong was out of your control.
- You’re invested in being “wronged” to the point that you think moving on and creating a better life will make what your Ex did “not so bad because everything turned out OK.”
- On some level, it’s working for you to stay powerless because of the sympathy and commiseration you’re getting, or it’s too scary to move on for some other reason.
If one or more of these sounds uncomfortably familiar, ask yourself, “Am I willing to trade feeling like a victim for feeling and exercising my own power over my life?” Be honest. If the answer is, “Yes!” do what you need to do to heal and recover, including understanding and taking ownership of your choices during your marriage.
Work on eliminating victim-like language when describing your situation. In fact, try to stop talking about your Ex altogether. Realize you aren’t defined by what happened in the past, including choices made by your Ex. Instead, start talking more about your dreams and goals and the steps you’re taking to heal and move forward.
If the answer is, “No way!” or “Not yet,” that’s OK. Consider working with a coach or therapist to help you process your feelings.
Deb Purdy, is a divorce coach, speaker and author of Something Gained: 7 Shifts to Be Stronger, Smarter & Happier After Divorce.
Visit www.DebPurdy.com for more information.
Join the conversation on social media:
Instagram: @lovedebpurdy
Twitter: @lovedebpurdy
Facebook: debpurdyofficial
Have you tried to get your ex back with spell casting? Do you feel you have arrived at the right place to get your ex back? Have you met a spell caster? Did you know about Doctor Odunga? He is the best and fast spell caster ever encountered. I met Doctor Odunga through a testimony posted by one woman who was also helped by him. This woman testified how she was helped by Doctor Odunga and how her ex came back to her within 3 days of contact but my case was an entire different one. I contacted Doctor Odunga on Monday and my ex returned to me on Tuesday, I was very happy. My name is Maxie and I live in the United States reside in Alabama. My ex boyfriend Marlo was a drug addict and never cared much about my well being and after 2 years of dating, we wanted to get married but that never happened. Two months after our decision, he started seeing other women and this made me sort for help. I met Doctor Odunga and i am happy to say that it only took less than 24 hours for my ex boyfriend to return to me. What a wonderful man is Doctor Odunga. Marlo doesn’t do drugs no more and he is fully committed to the relationship between us and this is all thanks to Doctor Odunga. Contact this man at odungaspelltemple@gmail.com if you are seriously in need for a spell caster, he is a great spiritual man.
Hello my name is Vivian Marcus from the United State, i’m so exciting writing this article to let people seek for help in any Break up Marriage and Relationship, Dr Kachi brought my Ex Boyfriend back to me, Thank you Sir Kachi for helped so many Relationship situation like mine to be restored, i was in pain until the day my aunt introduce me to Dr Kachi that she got her husband back with powerful love spell with help of Dr Kachi So i sent him an email telling him about my problem how my Boyfriend left me and cheating on me because of her boss lady at work i cry all day and night, but Dr Kachi told me my Boyfriend shall return back to me within 24hrs and to me everything he asked me to do the next day it was all like a dream when he text me and said please forgive me and accept me back exactly what i wanted, i am so happy now as we are back together again… because I never thought my Ex Boyfriend would be back to me so quickly with your spell. You are the best and the world greatest Dr Kachi. if you’re having broke up Ex Lover or your husband left you and moved to another woman, You do want to get Pregnant do not feel sad anymore contact: drkachispellcast@gmail.com his Text Number Call: +1 (209) 893-8075 You can reach him Website: https://drkachispellcaster.wixsite.com/my-site
I just want the whole world to know about this spell caster I met two weeks ago,I cannot say everything he has done for me and my family I was going through online when I meant this wonderful man’s testimony online how he won a lottery through the help of dr Ose I decided to just give it a try and my life is back to me now after i lost my job due to covid he gave me a winning numbers to play lottery and i won 5000usd for my first play since then i have been working with him and he has been giving me numbers to play my lottery i can not write everything he has done for me if you need a lottery spell today contact him on oseremenspelltemple@gmail.com www.facebook.com/Dr-odion-spell-temple-110513923938220
whatsapp +2348136482342
BE SMART AND BECOME RICH IN LESS THAN 3DAYS….It all depends on how fast
you can be to get the new PROGRAMMED blank ATM card that is capable of
hacking into any ATM machine,anywhere in the world. I got to know about
this BLANK ATM CARD when I was searching for job online about a month
ago..It has really changed my life for good and now I can say I’m rich and
I can never be poor again. The least money I get in a day with it is about
$50,000.(fifty thousand USD) Every now and then I keeping pumping money
into my account. Though is illegal,there is no risk of being caught
,because it has been programmed in such a way that it is not traceable,it
also has a technique that makes it impossible for the CCTVs to detect
you..For details on how to get yours today, email the hackers on : (
atmmachinehackers1@gmail.com < Tell your
loved once too, and start to live large. That's the simple testimony of how
my life changed for good…Love you all .
Dr. Obodubu Monday is recognised all over the world of marine kingdom, As one of the top fortunate and most powerful spell casters doctor of charms casts from the beginning of his ancestors ship until now Dr. Obodubu Monday lives strong among all other spell casters, there have never been any form of impossibility beyond the control of Dr. Obodubu Monday it doesn’t matter the distance of the person with the problems or situation, all you have to do is believe in the spell casting Dr. Obodubu Monday cast that works, he always warns never to get his charms cast if you do not believe or unable to follow his instruction. it is the assignment of the native doctor Dr. Obodubu Monday to offer services to those in need of spiritual assistance not minding the gravity of your situations or distance as long as water, sea, ocean, lake, river, sand, etc. are near you, then your problems of life would be controlled under your foot. if you need any spiritual help on any of these WhatsApp Doctor Obodubu on : +234 705 993 7909
Get Your Love Back
Fruit Of The Womb
Fibroid
Business Boom
Financial Breakthrough
Get Rich Without Ritual
Do As I Say
Bad Dream
Promise And Fail
Epilepsy
Land/Court Case
Mental Disorder
Political Appointment
Visa Approval
Cancer
Examination Success
Spend And Get Back
Good Luck
Natural Neath
Hypertension
Stroke
Sickle cell
Impotency
Win Court case
Promotion At Work
Commanding Tone
Protection Ring
Marriage Success
Love Ring
Favour Ring
Recover Lost Glory
Spiritual Power For Men Of God
Travel Success Ring
Job Success
lottery/ win
And Many, More
make haste to Dr Monday on WhatsApp +234 705 993 7909 for spiritual problem today and you will surely get solution to all your predicament
He cast spells for different purposes like(1) If you want your ex back.
(2) if you always have bad dream
(3) You want to be promoted in your office.
(4) You want women/men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child.
(6) You want to be rich.
(7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
(8) If you need financial assistance.
(9) HIV/AIDS CURE
(10) is the only answer to that your problem of winning the lottery
Contact him today on oseremenspelltemple @ gmail. com
BE SMART AND BECOME RICH IN LESS THAN 3DAYS….It all depends on how fast
you can be to get the new PROGRAMMED blank ATM card that is capable of
hacking into any ATM machine,anywhere in the world. I got to know about
this BLANK ATM CARD when I was searching for job online about a month
ago..It has really changed my life for good and now I can say I’m rich and
I can never be poor again. The least money I get in a day with it is about
$50,000.(fifty thousand USD) Every now and then I keeping pumping money
into my account. Though is illegal,there is no risk of being caught
,because it has been programmed in such a way that it is not traceable,it
also has a technique that makes it impossible for the CCTVs to detect
you..For details on how to get yours today, email the hackers on : (
atmmachinehackers1@gmail.com < Tell your
loved once too, and start to live large. That's the simple testimony of how
my life changed for good…Love you all .
aa
I’m Angel Castor from the US. White Caucasian Female. I’m 43 years old and I got married at the age of 25, I have only two children and I am living happily.
Five years ago, my husband’s behavior became so strange that I didn’t really understand what was going on. He packed out of the house to another woman’s house and I love him so much that I
never dream of losing him, I tried my best to make sure that my husband got back to me but all to no avail, I cried and cried seeking help. I discussed it with my best friend Alison and she told me she can help me. She told me of a man called Dr. Odunga, she told me he is a very great man and a real man that can be trusted and there is nothing concerning love and Pregnancy issues he cannot solve and she told me how he has helped her and countless number of people in
restoring their relationship. I quickly contacted his email address at odungaspelltemple@gmail.com I explained all my problems to him, he told me that I should not worry that all my problems will be fine. Presently, I am very happy I got my husband back to me with the help of Dr. Odunga and we are living happily with so much love for each other. What-app message/call him at +2348167159012 to help you
It will be bad to keep this alone to myself. I came across the best Advance ATM CARD hacker who really helped me to get 200,000 dollars which has a 5,000 daily withdrawal limit, they are very honest and diligent in their work. All I did was to order for the ATM card and after 4 working days I received my own ATM card from the delivery company with the card pin number. To my greatest surprise, the ATM card works at the ATM machine in my country . Contact her via: advanceatmcard@gmail.com WhatsApp number +33758779954