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Give Kids an Outlet for Their Feelings
When our children are upset or sad, many of us have a difficult time just “being” with them and their pain. We desperately want to fix it somehow or make them feel better. We say, “Don’t cry” or “There are people who have it a lot worse than you do.” We may even try to make them laugh or distract them in other ways. However, failing to acknowledge your kids’ feelings about your divorce and allowing them their full expression is the worst thing you can do. It sends the message that their feelings aren’t important or, even worse, that they can’t trust you with those feelings.
As hard as it is for you, especially if you’re already feeling guilty, the most precious gift you can give someone in pain is to listen with a closed mouth and an open heart. Don’t lecture. Don’t even commiserate (that makes it about you). Don’t tell them they shouldn’t feel that way, don’t try to solve their problem and don’t give advice. These are all called “Feeling Blockers” according to Ty and Linda Hatfield, parenting coaches and founders of Parenting From The Heart, which offers workshops on creating the family of your dreams.
Instead, Ty and Linda say to listen and acknowledge what you’re hearing. “It looks you’re feeling _______,” (fill in the blank with what you are observing, such as angry, hurt, annoyed, frustrated or overwhelmed). “I would imagine you’re feeling sad about not seeing your dad” or even “Uhmm, hmm” are all gentle ways to encourage your kids to open up about their feelings and needs.
Listen with Your Whole Self
Being masters of multitasking, we often do two or more things at once, and we do almost everything while continuously checking our phones. One of the most important things you can do for your kids is to stop, look into their eyes and listen with focused attention while they are speaking to you. Listen to the words but also listen to the energy and emotions under the words. By putting your full attention on your child, you will make a true connection with him or her. You will feel the difference and so will your child. He or she will feel heard in a very deep way.
When you make it an ongoing habit to create a safe and loving space for your kids to share their feelings by simply listening and encouraging, you build trust. You teach them that they and their feelings are important. You give them an outlet for their pain and you strengthen your connection with them in a way that will have a much larger impact on their lives than your divorce.
Use Time to Make Space
With our busy schedules, days or weeks can go by without downtime with our kids. Unfortunately, when the logistics of kids’ sports and activities combine with our early meetings and late conference calls, this kind of time together can fall by the wayside. Yet, relaxed moments together strengthen your connection to your kids, which is especially important during and after a divorce.
It’s important to set aside time to hang out with your kids, either engaging in a fun activity or letting the time be unstructured with no agenda. Whether you’re playing a game, making cookies together or lounging in the backyard, what you’re really doing is making space and time for your kids to open up and share feelings if they want to. They may or may not, that’s not important. What’s important is the gift of time with you focusing your attention on them. Regularly scheduled time together unites you as a family even as you are navigating tough experiences.
If you feel your kids are struggling, consider finding a therapist who specializes in children of divorce. This gives them a safe and neutral space to work through feelings they may be having a hard time expressing.
Next Week: Check the blog, or subscribe if you haven’t already, to get Part 3 of Helping Your Kids To Thrive After Divorce: Don’t Practice Poison Parenting
In case you missed it, here’s a link to Part 1: Give Your Kids Some Power
Deb Purdy, is a transformation coach, speaker, workshop leader and author of
Something Gained: 7 Shifts to Be Stronger, Smarter and Happier After Divorce.
Visit www.DebPurdy.com for more information.
Join the conversation on social media:
Instagram: @lovedebpurdy
Twitter: @lovedebpurdy
Facebook: debpurdyofficial
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HEPATITIS,
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HERPES
ASTHMA
DIABETES
EPILEPSY
INFERTILITY
STAPHYLOCOCCUS.
BARENESS
Kidney?
Greetings, I’m sharing this because I know someone may be experiencing what I was going through in my relationship, my boyfriend has been abusive towards me and always find fault in anything I do and all this started all of a sudden. He used to be a loving and caring guy to me but all that changed when he travelled home and came back. I want peace to come back in my relationship so I searched for help, that was when I read about Dr Ajayi who is a powerful spell caster, I contacted Dr Ajayi and explained my relationship problem to him and he told me things to be done to save my relationship, at first I was afraid but because I really want peace in my relationship I did all that was asked from me and to my surprise, after a week of the job, my boyfriend went on knees and beg me for all the wrongs he has done to me and said he doesn’t know what came over him, now I’m a happy woman and peace reigns in my home. If you are having any kind of relationship problem Dr Ajayi is your last stop. You can reach him on Whatsapp : +2347084887094 or you Email : drajayi1990@gmail.com
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I want to give thanks to Dr Gerald for bringing back my ex husband. No one could have ever made me believe that the article I’m about to write would actually one day be written. I was the world’s biggest skeptic. I never believed in magic spells or anything like this, but I was told by a reliable source (a very close co-worker) that Dr Gerald is a very dedicated, gifted, and talented person, It was one of the best things I have ever done. My love life was in shambles, I had been through two divorces and was on the brink of a third. I just couldn’t face another divorce, and I wanted to try harder to make our relationship work, but my husband didn’t seem to care. and he broke up with me again. I was confused and do not know what to do again, rather them to get in contact with Dr Gerald. He did a love spell that made my husband come back to me. We are now very much happy with ourselves. Dr Gerald makes him realize how much we love and need each other. This man is for REAL and for good, he can also help you to fix your broken relationship. I had my husband back! It was like a miracle! He suddenly wanted to go to marriage counseling, and we’re doing very, very well, in our love life. Contact
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